A little background: in the last six months, dad has lost 45 pounds. He went from minorly obese to his high school weight. Over dinner one evening, I interviewed him to find out his secret.
So what’s your weight loss secret?
Burn more calories than you consume. It’s just simple math, son.
Yeah, but how did you stay motivated?
Motivation’s got noithing to do with it. Just eat less than your body burns.
Then why did it take you forty years to lose it?
Fine. So motivation does have something to do with it.
[Exacerbated sigh from dad] Alright. It only takes four things. You got your pink frilly pen to write this down?
I’ve got a voice recorder, dad.
I want you to write this down. I’m not gonna tell you twice.
I’ve got a voice recorder.
Wendi? Get the boy a piece of paper. And tell him what it’s for. Probably never used one in his pampered life.
Alright. Four ways to lose weight.
1. Smaller plate. I read in the paper–
No! The [censored][censored] paper, son.
There was a psychologist who recruited a bunch of dimwits like you to come for a lasagna party or something. Half he gave small plates. Half he gave big plates. Guess who ate less?
Yup. The small plate half wits.
So now you’re trying to be a small plate half wit?
Don’t get smart with me.
Anyhow, some psycho-babble mumbo jumbo brain trick to make you think you’re full. Been eating with a kiddie plate for six months and now I weigh [censored] near half of what I used to.
2. I reward my veggie-eating with my stake eating. So, I start with a plate a salad. I finish that, I get to have my steak, or pizza, or hamburgers, or French fries. Then, I finish my burger, but I’m still hungry. Well, gotta eat another plate of salad before I get more. By the time I’m done, I’ve had just as much greens as I’ve had steak.
So you still eat pizza?
[Censored] yeah! Listen, son, the minute you start telling yourself you can’t eat what you wanna eat, your diet’s over. Nobody can last forever. You might as well shoot me if I can’t have steak once a week. Dig my grave out in the back if you take my burger from me.
But tell me I can eat as much as I want? That’s a diet I can get behind.
3. Don’t exercise.
That’s right. Quit exercising. You’re gonna fail anyway. Might as well stop now.
So how will that help you burn more calories than you consume?
‘Cuz it’s that mentality we wanna get rid of. You’re aren’t going to excercise; you’re gonna go outside and chop some wood. You ain’t gonna work out; you’re gonna play a game of basketball with your college buddies. You ain’t going for a walk; you’re parking as far away from your office desk job as possible so you don’t have to fight for a [censored][censored] parking spot.
And while I’m on it…Why in the [censored] do people fight for the closest parking space at the gym? That’s gotta be about the dumbest thing them steroid-stupored people have done; and that’s saying something. ‘Nah…I’m too lazy to park far away from the gym, so I’m gonna steal some old lady’s handicap spot so I can rush to the gym and bench press an RV.’
Stupid people, son. Stupid people.
Anyway, all’s I’m saying is to stop trying to exercise. You wanna build some muscle? Chop some wood. You wanna work your core? Try rebuilding an engine. You wanna be more flexible? Chainsaw a fallen tree that’s covered in underbrush. Then, by the end, you don’t even know time has passed and you’ve burned just as many calories as that P90-waste your money-x you kids are so fond of buying then forgetting in two weeks.
So there you have it; an old man’s secrets to losing more fat than you’d know what to render with.
And the forth dad?
4. And if all else fails…watch you wife go through chemotherapy. You wanna lose weight? Hold the hand of the woman you love and wonder if it’s gonna be the last time. That’ll shed the pounds.
And then when that happens, you realize that none of it matters. This bull[censored] the media’s feeding us, that our women need to have this waist size and this cup size and the dudes need to have this big of biceps and if you don’t then you haven’t made the cut that makes you worthy of anything.
You watch someone you love go through that? Then you’ll realize it’s all a sham. You be fit and you be healthy because you can’t stand the thought of someone holding your hand wondering if this is your last breath.
You got that, son? Cuz I ain’t saying it again.
I got it, dad.
Good. Now go chop some wood.