The following conversation was recorded on December 26th, 2016. Dad had finished his “morning workout” and was, quite nimbly, stacking lumber beneath the shed.
So, how much this thing cost you?
What do you think?
Nothing but muscle, cardiovascular exercise, and a bit of cursing, but don’t tell your mother.
You think you’re gonna fill the whole overhang?
That’s the plan, son. By the time I get that filled, I’m guessing I’ll have about four years of heat sitting under that shed.
Yup. There’s something real comforting about knowing I’ve got four winter’s worth of fuel sitting under this shed. And if, God forbid, something happens to me, your mother’s got four years to figure out a new source of heat.
Yeah. Like the furnace.
Don’t get smart with me. You know how I feel about those energy-monopolizing cronies.
Yeah, but mom doesn’t ca–
Shut it, son. Just shut it.
Right. So, how’s it work?
How do you think it works, jack-[censored]? The pallets keep the wood off the ground. The bamboo holds it upright. Sure, I coulda spent a fortune on some pressure treated lumber to keep it off the ground. And I could’ve spent a second fortune on some t-posts to hold the whole thing in place. Or, I coulda gone to the local carpet store, which I did, loaded some free pallets in the back of the pickup, which I did, then go straight to the back yard, which I did, and saw some bamboo from my own land, and stake my own poles in the ground. And now I’ve got a way to keep my firewood dry.
Hand me that saw, will ya?
[Dad starts sawing another pole].
And here’s another thing. Can a rabbit eat a t-post?
[I stare blankly at dad]
Didn’t think so. But a rabbit can eat bamboo leaves. So, I cut the bamboo, let the rabbits strip the leaves, take what’s left to the lumber shed to dry, and now I’ve got more fence posts than I know what to do with. That’s the idea, son. I cut the bamboo and I get free fence posts, free rabbit feed, and toilet paper.
Yup. The inside of that pole is softer than quilted downy dipped in cloud residue. It’s like an [censored]-massage every time I take a [censored].
Nope. That’s economical. Give me about six months and I’ll have your mom convinced we don’t need TP anymore and you too will be [censored]-bathing in bamboo.
[After this particularly disgusting conversation, dad tossed the bamboo branches into the rabbit run. He leaned his back against a neighboring maple and smiled contentedly.]
There’s about no greater satisfaction than watching them rabbits chomp away at them bamboo leaves. Leaves a man with a deep sense of purpose, it does.
A couple notes: dad cut the bamboo poles at the bottom at a 45 degree angle and drove them into the ground with the back of an axe. In some spots, he screwed another pole the brace the vertical one like this:
And now, for your viewing pleasure, here’s some rabbits munching on bamboo leaves.
And for those unwilling to wipe their rears in bamboo fibers, here’s an affiliate link to toilet paper. (Yeah, I know that’s stretching it for an affiliate link. But give a guy a break and buy some TP online):